My relationship here in PCB fell to shambles. A million tiny shards of self-reflective glass pieces displaying a shattered reflection and the inability to even desire to put the thing back together.
Still have love for the guy, but cannot and will not return to the relationship.
I am a hermit crab writer who lives alone in a new city and new state. I figured, perhaps, I'd just download this App that people have had success with meeting new people on-- Bumble.
I downloaded a dating App for the first time in my life, at 29 yrs old. Started off with Bumble BFF and that felt weird to me, so I switched to the regular Bumble.
I had many connections, but I had no idea why none of them were reaching out to me (GOD how I wish TJ could read this next section, he'd cry laughing. love you forever Teej).
So, after I sent a few casual “hellos” I received a few messages back but was still confused why I had hundreds of people I had “connected” with and they weren’t reaching out. Bumble would tell me these "connections" were extending their "time" to connect with me before it expired (anxiety-producing for all parties involved) but I wondered why were they "extending their time" and not just saying hello?
Send me a cool question like "If you were an office supply, which office supply would you be?" Love that shit.
So, I got off the App.
Then I had someone message me on IG (bless his heart) and say, “I was hoping you’d message me but alas you didn’t, so I resorted to sliding into your dms.”
And that’s when it clicked.
Women are supposed to make the first move on Bumble.
Interesting. I have no idea how I feel or don’t feel about this. I met my quota of guy friends however, so I am happy, and the other people I’ve met in my community and at the dog park—my quota of no more than 5 close friends at all times is definitely getting met.
My first “superswipe,” I have to say, was by a 68-year-old man named Jerry. I had to figure out how to change my age preferences after that, but I am impressed by his confidence. Jerry was NOT gonna let this plump puffer fish pass him by.
Another guy, I told him I was getting off the App, and shared my number to which he Facetimed me immediately—also impressed by his confidence. He was building a house. At 10:00 p.m. His friends in the background were making jokes at him, and he asked if I would be “around” at like “3 am” to which I had to say, unfortunately, I would not be.
I’m just having an absolute time with all this.
Would I like to “settle down” one day? Quit it with all the dating confusion? I mean… yeah, but I also think that depending on where you’re at in life, you have to give yourself the freedom to enjoy it.
Through my short week-long experience on the dating App, I did meet some people who I think will be long-time friends. Not so much Jerry, or house-building Tye, but others. Okay, just 2. They don't know I am writing about them so I will not use their government-recognized names, but it has been fun getting to know them.
One of them lives here and the other one lives somewhere else on a military base. I appreciate that both conversations have been respectful and not sexual, at all. Mostly light-hearted and like we're all humans out here just trying to help one another heal from the things that hurt us in the past.
I also met a pretty cool cat that lives here, but he's also in the military so idk he's like in Ohio or something now.
I'm learning that the key to living a happy life is to accept what is and let go of what we expected to be.
Four years ago, I had my heart shattered beyond recognition and I've just been KO'd time and time again after that-- but you learn to love all sides of love. The heart-melting beauty and the knife-edge of pain and loss.
The only reason I can speak so light-hearted about love and the loss of love is because I've been through so much of it, and I've come to respect all sides of it. I never ever ever ever ever thought I'd say that. Ever. x10. But here I am-- saying it.
Will I return to the dating Apps? Probably not.
I also played around with Facebook's dating feature a few years ago, which I met (again) 2 cool guys I talked with for a while and one of them is still an acquaintance (sorry we never got to meet in real life and I stole your credit score idea on my Bumble profile, that was brilliant). He lives in Minnesota, hockey guy with the hair. I think he reads these, so hello - thanks for being awesome and the only friend I've kept from that odd time in my life.
I'm grateful for all my acquaintances, friends, past relationships, because, in the end, as Ram Dass says, "We're all just walking each other home."