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dark night of the soul / letters of love to you

"I don't know what do to."

"Where do I go from here?"

"I have lost everything."

At times, we may feel like life has completely fallen apart. There is no light in sight. I'm talking about The Dark Night of the Soul. This is not some sort of mystic sh*t, this is real life. Nobody really knows what true heartbreak feels like until you experience it. Nobody really knows what true devastation is until you experience it. At that moment, every other little thing that happened before that moment (that you thought was devastation) was just, an uncomfortable swerve in the road.

This thing is the earth's end.

Literally halting, screeching, end of the earth. It has its hooks in your core and rips you from stability. There is nothing to hold on to, like falling into a black hole and just continuing to fall.

I wish I could say, "Here, my sweet, rub this salve on your solar plexus and it'll all heal in 48 hours."

But there isn't. The ONLY salve is time. A lot of time. And prayer, and crying, and screaming, and anger, and hurt, and sadness, and anger, and hurt, and crying, and then there will come a time when you realize that if you open your door, get out of your car, and stand at the end edge of the eath's end... you hate to admit it, but it's kind of beautiful.

You look around and see how fertile the ground is that you're standing on. You don't want to make anything new (at first), because what you had built was beautiful and now it's all gone. You resist change, you resist yourself. You may even abandon yourself for a while.

Because, why wouldn't you? You're crazy, remember? That's what they called you. That's what they think you are-- crazy.

You take your shoes off and feel the magnetic power of the earth's energy. You close your eyes and take in a deep breath. Air fills your lungs and you realize how unrestricted you are. How you don't have to explain yourself to anyone now. You don't have to fight to just be you. There are no parameters. There are no boxes to fit into or puzzle pieces you have to resemble.

You get to be your own damn puzzle piece. And you get to make a completely new picture. What do you want it to look like? Are there mountains? Are there plants? Are there cars, like the old-fashioned ones? Is there folk music? African drumming? Flamingo lights?

Burned down ground makes for new beginnings.

If you don't feel like rebuilding right away, that's okay. Give yourself time to grieve. And then, trust in God's power to bring what's meant for you. There will come a time when you don't need to ask "why" anymore. You can just sit with the lack of answers and trust that the threads of uncertainty are what make you beautifully human. Your soul's tapestry is being woven before you.

Sit down and write out all of the things you feel like you've done wrong. The ways you've messed up. The mistakes. The regrets. The pain. The worry. The anxiety.

And then, respond to yourself. From, love.

What would love say to you? What would love's response be? This response is the most patient, kind, loving, and forgiving response you could ever receive. It's all of the words you're so desperately wanting to hear. But it's from the Source of Love.

And then, you sit there, with your two letters. Or thousands of letters to yourself from love. And realize all of those responses came from within you. That patient, kind, loving, and forgiving person is you. You are love.

Standing at the edge of the earth, you peer into the cavern beneath. You see a foothold. You see a new path. It excites you so you kneel down and step onto the path, and start walking on it. It's like it was made for you. It has been there all along. You just needed to go to the end of the earth to find it.

It took a long time to find this new path, but now that you know it exists. All of the pain was worth it. Be patient in this process, for it's meant to hurt for a while.

You'll come out the other side, I promise you this- with a new appreciation for life and you'll eventually reach your bliss.

How much better will that be? Knowing where you've come from and what you've been through? To make it across, to build a completely new life, and one day be able to say "I've healed."

Keep going. Just keep going.

While you're in the process of healing, standing in the gap for yourself, you might need some feel it all songs, so I've crafted a Heal Me Playlist including my favorites.

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